Skip to main content

"I live, I love, I slay & I am Content."

Let me tell you a little about myself; something real about the home I grew up in. There were lots of people around all the time. I was the only child. And, thankfully, I wasn't treated as such. Much like today, I was just the shortest member of the household.

But what's that really mean? Above and beyond it means that I had many influences growing up. For this entry, my father's influence is the most important.

My father loves arms and armor. He loves history and mythology and the art of warfare. And as any good father would, he shared these passions with me as a kid. I remember him making me wooden swords to play with. We played chess together. And I remember him reading me Greek myths and comic books before bed. He also shared his nerdy love of scifi, fantasy, and horror movies with me.

For all of this, I am grateful. And I am now passionate about the same things.

Spoiler alert: the following statement is not a dick joke. I have a love of swords. And barbarians and slaying and animal pelts and sex and I could go on forever here. As much as I love action movies, I love fantasy flicks and I love a good sword fight.

That said, I have this theory: my love of the broadsword was actually born of my love for "Conan the Destroyer" - a movie I watched many times as a kid. Side note - when I look back on some of the movies I grew up watching, feeling like they are "kids movies", I realize that they really aren't. (Things like "Forbidden Planet", "Legend", and the Conan movies.)

So - as you may know from previous blog entries, I have this constant need for battle movies to be epic. And while some of you may try to argue this point, the Conan movies are gloriously epic: sweeping scores, muscles galore, swords, magic, and of course, slaying. And regardless of what anyone says, I will always love these abominations of film.

Who cares that they have little or nothing to do with the source material?! Who cares that Arnold was a poor casting choice?!! They are quintessentially 80's. And they are solidly epic!

And because of that childhood love, when I heard that they were remaking "Conan the Barbarian", I nearly shit myself. And not out of joy. I was pissed: how dare they screw up (yet another) movie from my childhood?! I refused to see the remake. Wasn't going to happen. Nope. No way. I wasn't supporting this.

And then it came out and somehow I caved in to roommate peer-pressure and found myself in the theatre, griping and prepared to watch another movie I would despise.
Turns out, and you saw this coming, I didn't hate it. In fact, I loved it. Not the Conan I grew up watching but the true barbarian ideal that I love. Much truer to the original Robert E. Howard stories, this is Conan.  ::swoon::  Momoa's Conan is stoic, occasionally coy, and brutal.

I actually felt bad for Jason Momoa, who took a lot of heat from viewers as the reason the movie didn't do well. He was everything I wanted in a barbarian and would be more inclined to believe that people didn't love the movie because it's a little "too dark" for your average moviegoer.

My only real gripe with the remake is stylistic; the movie looks like every other action/fantasy flick that's come out in the past 5-8 years. It looks like the "Pirates of the Caribbean". It looks like that atrocious remake of "Clash of the Titans". It looks like "Prince of Persia". It looks like "The Scorpion King". I've complained about this phenomenon before (and it's not something that will ever change as it's part of movies coming together to form a genre) but I'm ready for the new trend.

Okay - wrap up time.
Give me Conan movies, of any era, any day and I'll have a blast watching them. Said otherwise, I love men with big swords.... and that one was a dick joke.


  1. I'm glad that I had a "small bit" of influence on you Ms Kitten. I remember you watching old horror movies with me and the content NEVER bothered you, bu you were quick to point out that the color wasn't working on those movies and when I told you there were B&W you were unhappy. Of course over the years I know you've come to love classic hrror in glorious B&W for it portrays the essence of horror in a grteat way forcing the actors, story and mood on you rather than gore. Of course I love gore but I'm glad you fell i love with Horror, SciFi and fantasy from old clasic ones to modern. I remember buying you your first Conan sword. Thanks for vbeing such a cool person!

  2. I must agree I felt exactly the same about the new Conan movie. Walked past it many times at the video store due to my previous bias. Especially since it is part of my martial arts heritage that Master Keating instilled in me throughout the years. It was a theme movie that was referred to often to instill the warrior spirit into students afraid of their own shadow. It's ok to be a slayer. Killing my negative thoughts and sometimes crushing a physical opponent in the streets. That's hard to do with a weak spirit. Glad to see Bram continues to teach killer instincts to his students, because that is even more important than technique.

  3. Oh yah, I forgot to say. I really liked the new Conan movie almost as much as the original. A big pleasant surprise!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rebuttal: 17 Disturbing Horror Movies You Will Never Watch Again

When I'm not watching movies, I'm reading about movies. I stumble across all kinds of articles, blog posts, book excerpts, etc. in my quest to absorb as much movie knowledge as possible. Now, I'm snotty and loud-mouthed and opinionated but I'd never begrudge another human their opinion. Seriously. You're absolutely welcome to have any opinion about any thing you want. However, I must warn you, if I think your opinion is stupid, I'm absolutely going to say so. I've recently stumbled on an article completely  brimming with so many idiotic opinions that I'm actually compelled to craft a response. Here's the gist of the original article: there are some horror movies out there that are so disturbing , you'll only ever want to watch them once. I've have taken her original list and refuted her claims without pulling her entire article over. You can read the original article here . Let's start at the beginning, with her opening statement

Escape From Tomorrow

I love creative people who are willing to take risks with their art. I appreciate the refusal to do things by the rules. I'm also terribly impatient with mediocrity. Enter  Escape From Tomorrow . Created by a team of rogue filmmakers, the movie was shot in the video mode of high-end still cameras. Actors shared scripts and shooting locations across their smartphones. Shot on location at Disney World, the parks were completely unaware this was all going on right under their mouse ears. I wanted to love Escape From Tomorrow. More than that, I wanted to be completely taken with its ingenuity and creativity and - oh yes - its originality. And there is really a simple brilliance to their covert plan; all families are roaming around the parks, taking videos and chatting on their phones. Just blend the fuck in, act like you belong, and you won't get caught. Too bad the movie can be summed up as: ambitious but Rubbish. As you can imagine (or possibly know), there was a ton of con

The Witch (2015)

You know the drill - there's ALWAYS spoilers. Don't want the movie ruined for you, come back after you've seen it. Also - I'm still without an editor - typos and bad grammar await you! I keep hoping that the cultural obsession with zombies will end; literally every other damn movie that comes 'round seems to feature some sort of shambling, undead being bent on devouring the weak flesh of regular humans. Once upon a time, zombies have have been used as a metaphor for the blind consumerism created by our capitalist society, or the perceived depletion of resources by immigrants, or even the ravages of time and disease on our frail bodies. Now it seems that the deeper social commentary has been lost as audiences mindlessly consume "zombie fiction" in an attempt to keep up with trends. ( How very meta - a film buddy of mine commented on this assessment! ) All of this is just a sideways rant, leading up to my actual point: it seems that zombie may actually