Skip to main content

You Little Witch.

The 90's were a great time to be a witch. 

Not a haggard, wrinkly old woman with a warty nose but a young, nubile, sexually hungry girl. For the most part, as long as these ladies, "played nicely" they enjoyed the full gamut of benefits of practicing the dark arts: power, beauty, money, fancy things, men, etc.

On the other hand, their petty, childish, mean-spirited behavior was swiftly punished with deformity, loss of love, loss of status, and sometimes even death.

While there is often some sort of religious lesson embedded within these stories ("Stick with god because dabbling in the devil's world is, you know, bad.") the greater message is seemingly more of a social nature, "women must behave themselves or else."

So where did this avalanche of witchy women begin? Possibly in the pages of Anne Rice's Mayfair Witches (1990) which birthed a teen version by LJ Smith - The Secret Circle (1992). And maybe even some honorable mention to Alice Hoffman's - Practical Magic 1995 (later to become a movie by the same name.)

By now, if you're still with me, you're probably wondering when I'll be getting to a movie review and you also probably think you know where I'll begin: The Craft - 1996.

And you're right-ish. The Craft is, basically, the quintessential (Blockbuster) "teenage witch" movie. Filled to the brim with up-and-coming Hollywood starlets, all well past high school age, prancing around in Catholic school uniforms, there was a little something for every boy to lust after. However, the director was hoping for a PG-13 rating (targeting his presumed audience) so the nudity is non-existent and the sex-scenes minimal.

The off-Hollywood, low-budget version wasn't so constrained. (So, if you've ever been watching The Craft and thought to yourself, "this movie would be so good if only there were boobs!" you should have been watching Little Witches - 1996.)

And while that likely sounds promising, let me forewarn you that you don't only get 5 (relatively hot), unknown actresses completely naked and summoning a demon, you also get one fairly large young lady, doing the same.

...perhaps you like that kind of thing and I'm not judging you for it.

Honestly, I never knew this movie existed until Netflix told me so. And I never would have watched the damn thing but how could I pass on this amazing description: "When an ancient book of spells transforms six naughty Catholic schoolgirls into a coven of sexy witches, all hell breaks loose."

I'll admit that I also had a solid laugh over the tagline: "Forgive me father for I am sin."

And. Sorry. Side note. After having watched this piece of crap, I'm slightly offended that Netflix thought I'd feel 1.5 stars about it; I could barely muster .5 a star.


I suffered through all 91 minutes only because the cast is kind of hilarious: Clea Duvall ::swoon::, Jack Nance (playing a character virtually indistinguishable from Pete in Twin Peaks), 80's horror regular Jennifer Rubin (as a NUN), Zelda Rubinstein (best known as the creepy lady from Poltergeist), and Sheeri Rappaport (NYPD Blue and later, CSI.) Had there been decent production values, a script written by professionals, or perhaps if they'd filmed on something other than toilet paper - I may have believed it was an actual movie.

If you're desperate, you can watch the trailer here. If that isn't enough to convince you that there's about a million better uses of your time, you can watch the entire movie on Netfilx.

Don't say I didn't warn you.


Popular posts from this blog

Rebuttal: 17 Disturbing Horror Movies You Will Never Watch Again

When I'm not watching movies, I'm reading about movies. I stumble across all kinds of articles, blog posts, book excerpts, etc. in my quest to absorb as much movie knowledge as possible. Now, I'm snotty and loud-mouthed and opinionated but I'd never begrudge another human their opinion. Seriously. You're absolutely welcome to have any opinion about any thing you want. However, I must warn you, if I think your opinion is stupid, I'm absolutely going to say so. I've recently stumbled on an article completely  brimming with so many idiotic opinions that I'm actually compelled to craft a response. Here's the gist of the original article: there are some horror movies out there that are so disturbing , you'll only ever want to watch them once. I've have taken her original list and refuted her claims without pulling her entire article over. You can read the original article here . Let's start at the beginning, with her opening statement


Alright friends and readers–this one is probably doubly filled with typos and grammar errors because I wrote it while angry. Good luck and happy reading. There are unpopular opinions in every realm. As a film student, you can truly strike a nerve when you say things like, "I fucking hate the self-indulgence of independent films and the way people idolize them." Or, you know, "Low lighting and slow pacing does not a good movie make." Or whatever. You can of course, objectively, understand how this happens. When you are creating art–when you are outside the system  so to speak–you are free to explore things (subjects, techniques, etc.) that may need to be addressed and that freedom can become intoxicating and go to one's head. While it may seem only right  or only fair  to respect and accept each creative endeavor that every artist undertakes, it is unreasonable to believe that the world will remain forever patient with the self-obsession artists have. Th

"I live, I love, I slay & I am Content."

Let me tell you a little about myself; something real about the home I grew up in. There were lots of people around all the time. I was the only child. And, thankfully, I wasn't treated as such. Much like today, I was just the shortest member of the household. But what's that really mean? Above and beyond it means that I had many influences growing up. For this entry, my father's influence is the most important. My father loves arms and armor. He loves history and mythology and the art of warfare. And as any good father would, he shared these passions with me as a kid. I remember him making me wooden swords to play with. We played chess together. And I remember him reading me Greek myths and comic books before bed. He also shared his nerdy love of scifi, fantasy, and horror movies with me. For all of this, I am grateful. And I am now passionate about the same things. Spoiler alert: the following statement is not a dick joke. I have a love of swords. And barbarian