Skip to main content

You Little Witch.

The 90's were a great time to be a witch. 

Not a haggard, wrinkly old woman with a warty nose but a young, nubile, sexually hungry girl. For the most part, as long as these ladies, "played nicely" they enjoyed the full gamut of benefits of practicing the dark arts: power, beauty, money, fancy things, men, etc.

On the other hand, their petty, childish, mean-spirited behavior was swiftly punished with deformity, loss of love, loss of status, and sometimes even death.

While there is often some sort of religious lesson embedded within these stories ("Stick with god because dabbling in the devil's world is, you know, bad.") the greater message is seemingly more of a social nature, "women must behave themselves or else."

So where did this avalanche of witchy women begin? Possibly in the pages of Anne Rice's Mayfair Witches (1990) which birthed a teen version by LJ Smith - The Secret Circle (1992). And maybe even some honorable mention to Alice Hoffman's - Practical Magic 1995 (later to become a movie by the same name.)

By now, if you're still with me, you're probably wondering when I'll be getting to a movie review and you also probably think you know where I'll begin: The Craft - 1996.

And you're right-ish. The Craft is, basically, the quintessential (Blockbuster) "teenage witch" movie. Filled to the brim with up-and-coming Hollywood starlets, all well past high school age, prancing around in Catholic school uniforms, there was a little something for every boy to lust after. However, the director was hoping for a PG-13 rating (targeting his presumed audience) so the nudity is non-existent and the sex-scenes minimal.

The off-Hollywood, low-budget version wasn't so constrained. (So, if you've ever been watching The Craft and thought to yourself, "this movie would be so good if only there were boobs!" you should have been watching Little Witches - 1996.)

And while that likely sounds promising, let me forewarn you that you don't only get 5 (relatively hot), unknown actresses completely naked and summoning a demon, you also get one fairly large young lady, doing the same.

...perhaps you like that kind of thing and I'm not judging you for it.

Honestly, I never knew this movie existed until Netflix told me so. And I never would have watched the damn thing but how could I pass on this amazing description: "When an ancient book of spells transforms six naughty Catholic schoolgirls into a coven of sexy witches, all hell breaks loose."

I'll admit that I also had a solid laugh over the tagline: "Forgive me father for I am sin."

And. Sorry. Side note. After having watched this piece of crap, I'm slightly offended that Netflix thought I'd feel 1.5 stars about it; I could barely muster .5 a star.

Anyway.

I suffered through all 91 minutes only because the cast is kind of hilarious: Clea Duvall ::swoon::, Jack Nance (playing a character virtually indistinguishable from Pete in Twin Peaks), 80's horror regular Jennifer Rubin (as a NUN), Zelda Rubinstein (best known as the creepy lady from Poltergeist), and Sheeri Rappaport (NYPD Blue and later, CSI.) Had there been decent production values, a script written by professionals, or perhaps if they'd filmed on something other than toilet paper - I may have believed it was an actual movie.

If you're desperate, you can watch the trailer here. If that isn't enough to convince you that there's about a million better uses of your time, you can watch the entire movie on Netfilx.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Rebuttal: 17 Disturbing Horror Movies You Will Never Watch Again

When I'm not watching movies, I'm reading about movies. I stumble across all kinds of articles, blog posts, book excerpts, etc. in my quest to absorb as much movie knowledge as possible. Now, I'm snotty and loud-mouthed and opinionated but I'd never begrudge another human their opinion. Seriously. You're absolutely welcome to have any opinion about any thing you want. However, I must warn you, if I think your opinion is stupid, I'm absolutely going to say so. I've recently stumbled on an article completely  brimming with so many idiotic opinions that I'm actually compelled to craft a response. Here's the gist of the original article: there are some horror movies out there that are so disturbing , you'll only ever want to watch them once. I've have taken her original list and refuted her claims without pulling her entire article over. You can read the original article here . Let's start at the beginning, with her opening statement

What Is Genre And Why Should I Care?

There are terms that always seem to come up when talking about films: director, actor, plot, theme, score, etc. These terms are all self-explanatory; no one ever asks, ‘what’s a director?’ However, there are other terms that are equally common but less clear: genre, sub-genre, auteur, oeuvre, etc. These terms are more abstract then ‘director’ or ‘actor.’ It is entirely likely that someone will ask, ‘what is genre, anyway?’ This question specifically is what I will be answering with this paper. The answer to the question ‘what is genre,’ is multi-layered: genre is a means of classification. Genre is a means of communication. Genre is a means of understanding films. Genre is a means of relating to films. To one person all movies rated “PG” are a genre – possibly one also known as “children’s movies” – while to another all movies with similar topics treated in similar ways are a genre: i.e. movies dealing with frontier life depicted in a nostalgic manner are a genre often kn

Contracted Or I Just Watched A Zombie Movie

Seems like horror fans fall into two buckets these days: zombie lovers and zombie haters. That dividing line just keeps getting deeper and darker the more zombies gain "mainstream popularity". I currently fall into the "I am so tired of zombies I could puke" bucket. I haven't stopped  watching zombie movies so much as I've started avoiding them at all costs, literally watching every other subgenre offering I stumble onto, regardless of how terrible it is. I seriously re-watched Wishmaster  this past week. That's how far out of my way I've been going to avoid the significant number of zombie movies flooding Netflix. Then I accidentally watched one. Contracted - 2013 I'm sure it was partially due to the really terrible movie synopsis that Netflix provided, which I'm prepared to admit that they may have nothing to do with and  that I likely didn't read it very well. In a strange twist of events, the movie cover actually helped