The Boys May All Love Mandy Lane But, I Couldn't Care Less.

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane must have been written for high schoolers by a high schooler - there is no other explanation for how stupid this movie was.

The plot is tissue paper thin with a laughably pathetic red herring that wouldn't even fool the Scooby gang.

The gist?
High school girl becomes zipper-bustingly-hot over the summer and the entire school becomes (literally unbelievably) obsessed (like, to the conspiracy level) with popping her cherry. As with any newly minted high school hottie, she's got an awkward, outcast best friend who still hangs around. Hot girl goes to party with new friends at secluded location, then people start dying.

If this story seems lacking at all, it's because I haven't told you yet that there's a "creepy" ranch hand at said secluded location. And by "creepy" I mean the delicious man candy you probably know from Hell on Wheels (or your deviant sexual fantasies), Anson Mount.

This was the best they could do? I mean, don't get me wrong. I love any excuse to look at this man, but this was a terrible casting decision. Or a poorly covered plot point because, SPOILER ALERT, he turns out to be a hero, not the killer.

Have I digressed?

Low and behold, awkward friend has crashed the party and is drunkenly murdering everyone... because if he can't have her no one can? Yeah. Another red herring that just stinks. If you find yourself surprised during the final reveal - you're probably in high school.

That's right folks, hot girl is in on the whole thing.

I'm fairly convinced that the only reason anyone is watching this movie is because said hot girl is played by Amber Heard - this generation's Angelina Jolie. Minus the whacky breast removal, of course.

According to Wikipedia (which is never wrong, of course), some critics praised this waste of film for its "grindhouse" aesthetic which really just translates to, "it looks cheap and they used plenty of fake blood and oh yeah, I write about movies so I think I should use some buzz words but, I honestly haven't seen enough movies to form my own opinion."

Anyway, you can watch the Mandy Lane trailer here if you have nothing better to do with your time or you'd like to ogle Amber Heard :

Comments

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