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The Loved Ones (2009)

There's too few demented female murderesses in horror. We (of course) all know and love some of the real, historical, mad women like Lizzy Borden and the great Elizabeth Bathory. What about our fictitious vilenesses though?

Mrs. Voorhees - Friday The 13th

In one of those fun, movie twists, turns out the REAL killer in Friday the 13th is Jason's mother, Mrs. Voorhees. She's apparently a tough old broad who can stab a man through a mattress, is skilled in archery, and can wield an ax like a lumberjack. A murderous lumberjack, anyway. She butchers a lively bunch of teenagers before finally being beheaded by one.

Angela - Sleepaway Camp

Horror, in real life AND in fiction, teaches us to watch the fuck out for the quiet ones. Oh. That girl over there is shy and awkward and doesn't talk much? We shouldn't piss her off. Unfortunately for the typically awful teens in Sleepaway Camp they do piss off the quiet girl who goes on a murder spree. Again in twist fashion, this one may not count as she turns out to be a boy. I'd try to explain that one to you, but you'll really just have to watch the movie.

Asami - Audition

J-horror fans will tell you this little minx is one to look out for. She's no spirt, no wraith, nothing in the supernatural family. She is a cold-blooded, obsessive, torture machine. Needles in the eye? Yup. Amputation with piano wire? Oh yes. And why? Because the man she loves ALSO has love for his son, and she can't stand to share. 

Baby - House of 1000 Corpses / The Devil's Rejects

Easily my favorite of the list so far, Baby is this whirlwind of whitetrash, redneck, rockstar who just gets all frisky when she thinks about murder. I tend to think of her as inspired by Mallory from Natural Born Killers. Both broads are down and dirty killers who you don't want to fuck with - even while you're kind of thinking you'd just like to fuck...

Now, this certainly isn't a complete list AND it absolutely ignores female killers of the supernatural variety (think here Ginger Snaps or Jennifer's Body or Lair of the White Worm) and where does it leave us? With Lola in The Loved Ones.

The $.25 version of the plot
Socially awkward teenage girl has a disconcertingly close relationship with her father. Before you run off thinking he's a dirty old man, let me assure you that our leading lady is the sick one. In searching for a more suitably aged companion, she methodically kidnaps and tortures the boys in her class. Lucky for them, her father has mastered Bundy's art of zombification (drill a hole in the head, pour in the boiling water, and out comes a drooling, placid doll) and taking a page out of The People Under The Stairs playbook, she keeps the zombified boys in a pit in her basement.

One such victim doesn't become quite so malleable and fights his way to freedom in a slew of the most unbelievable plot twists ever conceived. Somewhere along the way between creating the elevator pitch for this movie and actually fleshing out the details, the writing just fell down a flight of stairs and tried to go on all concussed and whatnot. So to say, the plot sort of jumps the shark and becomes asinine. 

I am sort of a fan of the actress portraying our villainess. She went on, after this movie, to star in Hell on Wheels as the whore with the tattooed face who wouldn't take any shit from anyone. 

Not a great movie overall but, I will count Lola alongside the other killer women of horror. Props to you, Lola. 

Check out the Loved Ones trailer here:


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