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Cheerleader Ninjas (2002)

This movie made my brain hurt, but in a sort of  really good way. While it was completely stupid (like Poolboy, which I may never forgive my household for making me watch), it was also somehow charming and funny. I kept wanting to shut it off until I found myself laughing too hard to actually do it. One of those great, mysterious facts of life is that you just can't explain comedy. 

If I start telling you about the plot and it doesn't make any sense, don't be surprised. The phrase "madcap antics" was created for movies like this one. 

A bunch of nuns want to eliminate smut from the internet. Because, you know, that's what nuns do. For absolutely no logical reason - AT ALL - they decide that a bunch of local cheerleaders are Evil - capital E - and somehow contributing to the smut problem by being young and sexy. I mean, this sounds totally legit.

So the nuns then get some Catholic school girls together to kill the cheerleaders. This plan hinges on the concept that these Catholic girls are boozing, whoring, ninjas. Which also seems legit, based on my experience.

But wait. There's also an indirectly related subplot about someone trying to "take over" the internet. Because, you know, that's what people do. Enter the Evil gay man with his tiny dog who also hates the cheerleaders because they wouldn't let him join their squad. He's one part evil mastermind and one part "just another pawn" in the whole subplot of someone trying to TAKE OVER the internet.

I think I've made you wait long enough for the "big reveal" here. The someone trying to take over the internet is - get ready - the editor on the local high school news paper. I am going to quietly sit here while you try to process that disappointingly idiotic plot point. 

Along the way there are lots of little jabs at pop culture, a Revenge of the Nerds kind of plot, and some weird parallels or references to American Beauty that are sort of disconcerting. I will say this: the writer certainly embraced the dying art of escalating a satire directly into a farce. 

I would go on here but, the plot is as completely pointless and rambling as my description would be. Seriously.

Many times, I come down hard on independent movies for having shitty production values and this movie, trust me, was made with VERY little money. I think a package of ramen may cost more.
A significant portion of the dubbing doesn't match up with the movie (at all). I'm not really sure it matters. It actually adds this strange, sort of reverential homage to "kung-fu movies of old" feeling. In fact, it may even have been intentional.

Typically, I would warn people never to watch a terrible movie but, all I can think right now is, "Would someone else please watch this fucking movie so that I'm not the only human on Earth to have to witness this. And oh yeah - it's actually kind of hilarious... right?"

Poking around on the internet, I've discovered a strange number of folks writing about this movie with only good things to say. Maybe we've all been brainwashed and MAYBE we all have some big, squishy, lunatic soft spots in our hearts for Troma and anything that looks like they produced it. Who the hell knows. Whatever the reason is, people genuinely seem to like this movie.

And for the biggest damn surprise of all, someone found it necessary to remake this movie. Again, my brain hurts.

I actually think there's probably a great drinking game in this one. A shot for every bad joke? Two shots for every time you see someone's panties? A shot for every shit joke? A shot for every time you see breasts - knowing full well that they are ALWAYS THE SAME BREASTS - no matter which girl they try to imply you're looking at? Or maybe this movie would just be double the fun with a couple few drinks in you... 

What the trailer here:


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