Skip to main content

Hellgate

Today's movie is Hellgate - and holy shit is it boring. Running just about 1.5 hours, the pacing makes it feel like you're slogging through mud for more like 5 or 10 hours. There are more things to be frightened of in a Disney movie than there are in this movie.

The Gist: Jeff (Cary Elwes) loses his family in a car accident which may or may not be his fault. Post accident (a la The Dead Zone) he can "see dead people" and hear them (alternately) asking for help and threatening to destroy him - if one can call zombie grunts any type of actual threat. During his recovery, he falls for his sexy Asian nurse. Throw in some spiritualism and we learn that his soul is trapped in the spirit world - yada yada yada. Complicated rituals and spooky pronouncements follow.

When Jeff crosses over to the spirit world to collect his missing soul, his dead, mangled wife tells him that he should go back and have a life with the sexy nurse who would do anything for him. I don't want to get too casually racist on you here, but I'm 98% certain that the underlying message of this movie is that one Asian wife is as good as another. Heck, if you lose one and another doesn't fall directly into your lap, you could just order one up off the internet, right? I'm the last woman to get all feministy, but really - the messaging in this movie is pretty solidly misogynistic.

Will you be surprised to note that it was written and directed by a white dude? The thing to take away from this movie is really that white people shouldn't try to make movies concerning Eastern religion and spirituality. Oh yeah and that women are interchangeable.

The plot being completely idiotic is almost less annoying than the ways in which this cheap movie cuts corners on things that are just stupid (like painfully obvious fake tattoos), in order to spend more money on things they just wasted (like hiring William Hurt).

To simulate a car accident, they simply pelted the actors in pieces of broken glass and then slowed down the footage for this truly unconvincing slow motion sequence.

The creepy old Asian lady who know things about stuff? She is very obviously not that old. The white, Bride of Frankenstein stripes in her hair are OBVIOUSLY painted ON her hair. They eventually just vanish and are replaced with platinum blonde, clip in hair extensions in a totally different location.

The very secret, tropical island they head off to for the movie's climax? Yeah, it's pretty clearly some sort of resort hotel as the "river" they pass is a very chlorinated pool with a blue liner.

And seriously. The tattoo they applied down Willam Hurt's neck is shiny and wrinkled, like the temporary tattoo that it is. Sideways of that, what a waste, casting him in such a poorly written, piece of crap movie.

You can watch the trailer here because I've honestly got nothing else to write on this one.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Rebuttal: 17 Disturbing Horror Movies You Will Never Watch Again

When I'm not watching movies, I'm reading about movies. I stumble across all kinds of articles, blog posts, book excerpts, etc. in my quest to absorb as much movie knowledge as possible. Now, I'm snotty and loud-mouthed and opinionated but I'd never begrudge another human their opinion. Seriously. You're absolutely welcome to have any opinion about any thing you want. However, I must warn you, if I think your opinion is stupid, I'm absolutely going to say so. I've recently stumbled on an article completely  brimming with so many idiotic opinions that I'm actually compelled to craft a response. Here's the gist of the original article: there are some horror movies out there that are so disturbing , you'll only ever want to watch them once. I've have taken her original list and refuted her claims without pulling her entire article over. You can read the original article here . Let's start at the beginning, with her opening statement

Contracted Or I Just Watched A Zombie Movie

Seems like horror fans fall into two buckets these days: zombie lovers and zombie haters. That dividing line just keeps getting deeper and darker the more zombies gain "mainstream popularity". I currently fall into the "I am so tired of zombies I could puke" bucket. I haven't stopped  watching zombie movies so much as I've started avoiding them at all costs, literally watching every other subgenre offering I stumble onto, regardless of how terrible it is. I seriously re-watched Wishmaster  this past week. That's how far out of my way I've been going to avoid the significant number of zombie movies flooding Netflix. Then I accidentally watched one. Contracted - 2013 I'm sure it was partially due to the really terrible movie synopsis that Netflix provided, which I'm prepared to admit that they may have nothing to do with and  that I likely didn't read it very well. In a strange twist of events, the movie cover actually helped

Mother!

Alright friends and readers–this one is probably doubly filled with typos and grammar errors because I wrote it while angry. Good luck and happy reading. There are unpopular opinions in every realm. As a film student, you can truly strike a nerve when you say things like, "I fucking hate the self-indulgence of independent films and the way people idolize them." Or, you know, "Low lighting and slow pacing does not a good movie make." Or whatever. You can of course, objectively, understand how this happens. When you are creating art–when you are outside the system  so to speak–you are free to explore things (subjects, techniques, etc.) that may need to be addressed and that freedom can become intoxicating and go to one's head. While it may seem only right  or only fair  to respect and accept each creative endeavor that every artist undertakes, it is unreasonable to believe that the world will remain forever patient with the self-obsession artists have. Th