Skip to main content

Killer Mermaid

If you were to divide fiction down traditional lines, I would fall to the sci-fi side 90% of the time; I’m not really a fantasy fan. When I do dabble in fantasy, I appreciate interesting creatures and non-traditional treatments of character types with backstories we think we already know. To that end, I’ll write now (with a straight face) that there aren’t enough killer mermaid stories out there anymore; Somehow, over the years, they have been reimagined as these Disney princesses of the sea instead of the malicious predators previous generations saw them as. I will say this: aside from featuring a “fantasy creature,” there wasn’t a lot about this one to make it a “fantasy movie” - thankfully.

It actually reminded me of watching a European horror flick from the 60’s - completely loaded with some of the most unbelievably lovely women you can imagine. I’m pretty sure they just build women better in European countries. I mean, even the mermaid with her slimy tail and creepy fish mouth full of sharp teeth is significantly hotter than your average woman.

And - can I just tell you - movies like this make me so very aware of the fact that I know nothing about other cultures. Apparently, Serbians are pretty freakin hot and have some significant money to party - the cast looked like they rolled right out of the Hamptons. Aesthetically it is the absolute embodiment of “young and hip” (and in a way that is almost natural). Unbelievable. Aren’t they like, war-torn and third-worldy over there? No?… But - regardless - I’m digressing here.

The story unfolds a little like this:
Two slutty girl pals jaunt overseas to visit one of their ex-boyfriends from college. Plans for spring break style hookups go out the window when he introduces his exotic (if not bitchy) fiancee. Drinking leads to puking and sloppy hookups. But whatever, right? Our little party decides to explore an abandoned prison island - which can only end well, says every other movie, ever. For unexplained reasons, the island is home to an angry mermaid who likes to eat mortal men - because who doesn’t like to eat mortal men? The mermaid kills, the mermaid is killed, and her “sisters” seek revenge. End movie - begin opportunity for a sequel?

…yay?

On top of all that, the CGI is fucking terrible and while the plot isn’t ludicrously bad - it's just sort of bland and dumb. Trying to add Captain Ahab was really a stretch though… I was also trying to decide if it was really “an abandoned prison” or “the set of The Ruins.” …are there killer aquatic women waiting there OR killer plants? Ha.

What I can say in closing is that it’s certainly not the worst movie I’ve subjected myself to this week. Watch it if you’re looking for some hot Serbian ladies or if you’ve got a serious boner for fish women.

You can check out the Killer Mermaid trailer here:

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Witch (2015)

You know the drill - there's ALWAYS spoilers. Don't want the movie ruined for you, come back after you've seen it. Also - I'm still without an editor - typos and bad grammar await you! I keep hoping that the cultural obsession with zombies will end; literally every other damn movie that comes 'round seems to feature some sort of shambling, undead being bent on devouring the weak flesh of regular humans. Once upon a time, zombies have have been used as a metaphor for the blind consumerism created by our capitalist society, or the perceived depletion of resources by immigrants, or even the ravages of time and disease on our frail bodies. Now it seems that the deeper social commentary has been lost as audiences mindlessly consume "zombie fiction" in an attempt to keep up with trends. ( How very meta - a film buddy of mine commented on this assessment! ) All of this is just a sideways rant, leading up to my actual point: it seems that zombie may actually...

Mother!

Alright friends and readers–this one is probably doubly filled with typos and grammar errors because I wrote it while angry. Good luck and happy reading. There are unpopular opinions in every realm. As a film student, you can truly strike a nerve when you say things like, "I fucking hate the self-indulgence of independent films and the way people idolize them." Or, you know, "Low lighting and slow pacing does not a good movie make." Or whatever. You can of course, objectively, understand how this happens. When you are creating art–when you are outside the system  so to speak–you are free to explore things (subjects, techniques, etc.) that may need to be addressed and that freedom can become intoxicating and go to one's head. While it may seem only right  or only fair  to respect and accept each creative endeavor that every artist undertakes, it is unreasonable to believe that the world will remain forever patient with the self-obsession artists have. Th...

The Babadook

Spoilers and typos! Enjoy. We often look back nostalgically on childhood, envious of the joy we felt and the boundless imaginations we possessed. How conveniently we forget the other side of that coin: as children, we experience a depth of terror our adult selves continually try to recreate for cathartic entertainment. When we try to bring those childhood fears to life on the screen, we often end up with movies about "things that go bump in the night," which is a somewhat superficial approach. While it does provide an opportunity for a supernatural experience, it ignores the root of our fear: the unknown . As children, we lack life experience. We lack nuance. We lack understanding. Not knowing creates in us fear. Yes, we fear what lurks in the darkness but we also fear the adult world because we do not understand how it works. The Babadook works to exploit both  those fears. The short story: a widowed mother of a young boy experiences a mental breakdown and tries to...