Phrases I Never Want To Hear Or See Again In Horror Reviews:

I hate reading horror movie reviews because the majority of folks reviewing them are, um, functionally retarded. Or may never have seen another horror movie in their entire lives!

Here's my list of terminology that I want to see banned from reviewing:

1. "Scary as Hell."
Obvious first complaint - it's just never true. If some idiot reviewer could think of nothing better to say than, "scary as hell", you know the movie sucked and they only watched the trailer for it.

My secondary complaint here - I'm not so convinced that Hell is actually a scary place.
(More on this another time.)

2. "Ratcheting up the Tension."
If you need to tell me on the box, or in the first 140 characters of your review that the movie is filled with tension, it's not.

And if it were, well, you just relieved it for me.
Thanks.

3. "The Most Shocking Movie Ending of All Time."
All time? Really? Do me a favor, okay, go watch some more movies. Particularly some made in another country because really, if it was made here in the good ole US of A, it's bullshit and predictable.

If you didn't see that ending coming, you haven't watched enough movies and have no business reviewing them.

Also, lay off the absolute(s), okay?

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Rebuttal: 17 Disturbing Horror Movies You Will Never Watch Again

When I'm not watching movies, I'm reading about movies. I stumble across all kinds of articles, blog posts, book excerpts, etc. in my quest to absorb as much movie knowledge as possible.

Now, I'm snotty and loud-mouthed and opinionated but I'd never begrudge another human their opinion. Seriously. You're absolutely welcome to have any opinion about any thing you want. However, I must warn you, if I think your opinion is stupid, I'm absolutely going to say so.

I've recently stumbled on an article completely brimming with so many idiotic opinions that I'm actually compelled to craft a response.

Here's the gist of the original article: there are some horror movies out there that are so disturbing, you'll only ever want to watch them once. I've have taken her original list and refuted her claims without pulling her entire article over. You can read the original article here.

Let's start at the beginning, with her opening statement:
"Hor…

"I live, I love, I slay & I am Content."

Let me tell you a little about myself; something real about the home I grew up in. There were lots of people around all the time. I was the only child. And, thankfully, I wasn't treated as such. Much like today, I was just the shortest member of the household.

But what's that really mean? Above and beyond it means that I had many influences growing up. For this entry, my father's influence is the most important.

My father loves arms and armor. He loves history and mythology and the art of warfare. And as any good father would, he shared these passions with me as a kid. I remember him making me wooden swords to play with. We played chess together. And I remember him reading me Greek myths and comic books before bed. He also shared his nerdy love of scifi, fantasy, and horror movies with me.

For all of this, I am grateful. And I am now passionate about the same things.

Spoiler alert: the following statement is not a dick joke. I have a love of swords. And barbarians and slay…

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark - Another Lesson in Not Letting Homeownership Drive You Mad

There's a great history of horror films with "don't" in their titles
Don't Go In the Woods (1981)Don't Go In The House (1980)Don't Look In The Basement (1973)Don't Answer The Phone (1980)Don't Open The Door (1975)Don't Open The Window (1974)Don't Go Near The Park (1981)Etc. These titles suggest horror audiences aren't bright enough to realize the movies they are watching are warnings (premarital sex will make masked slashers target you, mess with nature and you'll end up with an uncontrollable monster, play your heavy metal records backwards and demons will come out of your lawn, etc.) But they also offer sound advise within the context of each film; not following these warnings will get you killed.

Then there's Don't Be Afraid of The Dark, where the oposite seems to be true. The title doesn't actually read as a warning, although the warning is implied there. It actually reads as a wheedling ploy by whatever creature is…

i'm kael's ghost

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