Phrases I Never Want To Hear Or See Again In Horror Reviews:

I hate reading horror movie reviews because the majority of folks reviewing them are, um, functionally retarded. Or may never have seen another horror movie in their entire lives!

Here's my list of terminology that I want to see banned from reviewing:

1. "Scary as Hell."
Obvious first complaint - it's just never true. If some idiot reviewer could think of nothing better to say than, "scary as hell", you know the movie sucked and they only watched the trailer for it.

My secondary complaint here - I'm not so convinced that Hell is actually a scary place.
(More on this another time.)

2. "Ratcheting up the Tension."
If you need to tell me on the box, or in the first 140 characters of your review that the movie is filled with tension, it's not.

And if it were, well, you just relieved it for me.
Thanks.

3. "The Most Shocking Movie Ending of All Time."
All time? Really? Do me a favor, okay, go watch some more movies. Particularly some made in another country because really, if it was made here in the good ole US of A, it's bullshit and predictable.

If you didn't see that ending coming, you haven't watched enough movies and have no business reviewing them.

Also, lay off the absolute(s), okay?

Rebuttal: 17 Disturbing Horror Movies You Will Never Watch Again

When I'm not watching movies, I'm reading about movies. I stumble across all kinds of articles, blog posts, book excerpts, etc. in my quest to absorb as much movie knowledge as possible.

Now, I'm snotty and loud-mouthed and opinionated but I'd never begrudge another human their opinion. Seriously. You're absolutely welcome to have any opinion about any thing you want. However, I must warn you, if I think your opinion is stupid, I'm absolutely going to say so.

I've recently stumbled on an article completely brimming with so many idiotic opinions that I'm actually compelled to craft a response.

Here's the gist of the original article: there are some horror movies out there that are so disturbing, you'll only ever want to watch them once. I've have taken her original list and refuted her claims without pulling her entire article over. You can read the original article here.

Let's start at the beginning, with her opening statement:
"Hor…

But The Flesh Is Weak: Cronenberg's Body Horrors

Body horror; something that effects each one of us as we are made of squishy, fallible, and finite flesh. Tackled many times in many ways throughout the years, body horror will stick with us until we finally learn to lose these weak, human bodies and begin existing in some other form.

There are many lenses through which to view body horror, lets talk about a few quickly before talking about some specific films in this genre.

Science and Technology
We depend on technology, especially in regards to our flimsy, fleshy bodies. Hip replacements, new hearts, brain surgery, iron lungs, cheek implants, etc. We have limited abilities and a limited lifespan, so we lean on technology to increase both. But what happens when we take that melding of mechanical and organic too far? Horror and scifi have taught us that going too far can lead to frighteningly devastating consequences and monstrous creations. (Species, Robocop, Frankenstein, etc.)

Gender
Much of body horror is related to or revolves arou…

Pet Sematary

I learned a really interesting lesson the other night: no matter how many times you've seen a movie on a small screen, you haven't really seen it until you've done so on the big screen. Thus begins my story of realization in which I discover Pet Sematary (seemingly for the first time) and develop a theory that it might actually have been directed by David Lynch (this last bit being hyperbole, of course–but I've got a strong case for it, so stick with me).

Over the years, I've watched Pet Sematary a handful of times and while I know all the major plot points (and always remembered Denise Crosby as being completely awful), I definitely feel like I've seen a completely different movie this time around.

In case you're coming in late and don't know how the story goes, here's the $.25 of it: family moves into house positioned (oddly close) to an Indian burial ground. The neighbor is friendly (albeit creepy). The road they are on has absolutely no regular…

i'm kael's ghost

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