I Turned It Off: Black Forest

Because I am the most diligent of movie bloggers, I subject myself to a wealth of movies that literally no other human on Earth would (or should) subject themselves to.

This past weekend I actually found myself in a most unusual situation: I started two movies that were so bad I turned them off before finishing them.
And I sat through Room 237!

When I can't make it through a movie, you know it's bad.
Really, really bad.

I'd love to write a warning about each so that you, my devoted readers, don't accidentally waste your time on them but they were so bad that I can only remember one of them.

Well, part of a warning is better than no warning, right? Man oh man is that bad horror film logic!

Black Forest

The $.25 Version: Made for / by the SyFy Channel, which I didn't know before I tried to watch it. You've got to have some trepidation about a movie that is genre classified as mystery & suspense, horror, sci-fi, and fantasy. Talk about not knowing what you want to be.

I've read the plot description and I made it through 25 minutes of the movie and I still can't tell you what the hell it's about. I think there is something about witches or aliens or Paganism or cults or maybe all of those things. And the plot was structured something like Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, or maybe Hostel where you have some unsuspecting group of people going somewhere and something bad happens to them.

...oh. That could be pretty much any horror movie.
Right.

You can watch a clip of this oh so amazing movie here:

Wait, someone liked this movie?!

Comments

The Witch (2015)

You know the drill - there's ALWAYS spoilers. Don't want the movie ruined for you, come back after you've seen it. Also - I'm still without an editor - typos and bad grammar await you! I keep hoping that the cultural obsession with zombies will end; literally every other damn movie that comes 'round seems to feature some sort of shambling, undead being bent on devouring the weak flesh of regular humans. Once upon a time, zombies have have been used as a metaphor for the blind consumerism created by our capitalist society, or the perceived depletion of resources by immigrants, or even the ravages of time and disease on our frail bodies. Now it seems that the deeper social commentary has been lost as audiences mindlessly consume "zombie fiction" in an attempt to keep up with trends. ( How very meta - a film buddy of mine commented on this assessment! ) All of this is just a sideways rant, leading up to my actual point: it seems that zombie may actually...

Mother!

Alright friends and readers–this one is probably doubly filled with typos and grammar errors because I wrote it while angry. Good luck and happy reading. There are unpopular opinions in every realm. As a film student, you can truly strike a nerve when you say things like, "I fucking hate the self-indulgence of independent films and the way people idolize them." Or, you know, "Low lighting and slow pacing does not a good movie make." Or whatever. You can of course, objectively, understand how this happens. When you are creating art–when you are outside the system so to speak–you are free to explore things (subjects, techniques, etc.) that may need to be addressed and that freedom can become intoxicating and go to one's head. While it may seem only right or only fair to respect and accept each creative endeavor that every artist undertakes, it is unreasonable to believe that the world will remain forever patient with the self-obsession artists have. Th...

The Ones Below (2015)

Standard disclosure: there's ALWAYS spoilers. Don't want the movie ruined for you? Come back after you've seen it. And - I'm still without an editor - typos and bad grammar await you! Enjoy! When I was like 12 years old, my young (impressionable) friends and I watched The Hand That Rocks the Cradle ; Rebecca De Mornay is so gloriously evil in that movie that we ended up watching it all the damn time — much to the chagrin of my mother, I assume, who got real tired (real fast) of having to see this movie about a million damn times. What can I say? She was kind of a saint that way. Looking back, unsurprisingly, it's pretty easy to see that The Hand That Rocks the Cradle isn't really a terrific movie — although it's still pretty solid for a 90's thriller. Certainly it boasted some fairly well-known cast ( Ernie Hudson and Julianne Moore — whom my regular readers know that I absolutely hate, in particular.) but, the plot is actually pretty convolut...

i'm kael's ghost

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