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Skeleton Key (requested)

Way back in 2005, my BFF and I got together for dinner. After dinner we decided to go to a movie. Being wild and crazy kids, we decided to just go to the theatre and see the first, not terrible option playing.

What's out?...

Four Brothers? Four adult men who were foster brothers seek vigilante justice for the murder of their former foster mother. Nooope. No. Nope.

Deuce Bigalow? I can barely translate the bullshit slew of words that make up the plot description into a cohesive description. What I can tell you is that it's got something to do with Rob Schneider. Fuck no.

Dukes of Hazard? ... No. No. Noooope. Low-brow, white-trash TV show turned full-length feature film starring Jessica Simpson and Seann William Scott - two of the stupidest humans on Earth.

Skeleton Key? Creepy voodoo horror shit? Well... okay. How bad can it be?

I've written before about how idiotic movie characters are always asking, "How bad can it be?" just before the proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan. We're a couple of smart, well-versed movie fans - we should have known better.

Secondary Tangent
When I'm particularly against a movie, I have a penchant for picking out stupid details to be annoyed about. A great example of this is Jeepers Creepers (a movie I despise) in which you can see the contacts the monster is wearing. In the case of Skeleton Key, I literally stop being able to pay attention to the movie at the point that Kate Hudson's eyeliner becomes deliberately, comically smudged into 80's goth proportions.

It's too limited and simplistic to just write that this movie is terrible. I want to be very clear about the level of terrible I mean to discuss here. We're not talking low-budget, amateur acting, with shoddy writing. We're talking about the significantly more heinous, big-budget, crapfest, filled with known actors turning in passable performances in the midst of decent (but not impressive) special effects all while wading through stories that aren't awful with writing that isn't terrific.

Literally everything about this movie is generic and "off the shelf." It brings nothing new to the horror genre. What a waste of time and money. And John Hurt. Who casts John Hurt to play a virtually speechless invalid? Yeah - her name is Ronna Kress and I'm sure she's a very nice person. 

When the movie ended, we zipped out of the theatre, looked at one another and went, "Fuuuuuuck. That movie was awful."

If you're not going to be awesome, just own being shitty. Being mediocre is immensely offensive.

Since then, its become a continuous joke between the two of us: I've given him a copy of the DVD and an "official" movie poster. Next year? He's getting the soundtrack.

This is what friends are for.

What? You want to watch the trailer? Alright:


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