Skip to main content

Skeleton Key (requested)

Way back in 2005, my BFF and I got together for dinner. After dinner we decided to go to a movie. Being wild and crazy kids, we decided to just go to the theatre and see the first, not terrible option playing.

What's out?...

Four Brothers? Four adult men who were foster brothers seek vigilante justice for the murder of their former foster mother. Nooope. No. Nope.

Deuce Bigalow? I can barely translate the bullshit slew of words that make up the plot description into a cohesive description. What I can tell you is that it's got something to do with Rob Schneider. Fuck no.

Dukes of Hazard? ... No. No. Noooope. Low-brow, white-trash TV show turned full-length feature film starring Jessica Simpson and Seann William Scott - two of the stupidest humans on Earth.

Skeleton Key? Creepy voodoo horror shit? Well... okay. How bad can it be?

I've written before about how idiotic movie characters are always asking, "How bad can it be?" just before the proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan. We're a couple of smart, well-versed movie fans - we should have known better.

Secondary Tangent
When I'm particularly against a movie, I have a penchant for picking out stupid details to be annoyed about. A great example of this is Jeepers Creepers (a movie I despise) in which you can see the contacts the monster is wearing. In the case of Skeleton Key, I literally stop being able to pay attention to the movie at the point that Kate Hudson's eyeliner becomes deliberately, comically smudged into 80's goth proportions.

It's too limited and simplistic to just write that this movie is terrible. I want to be very clear about the level of terrible I mean to discuss here. We're not talking low-budget, amateur acting, with shoddy writing. We're talking about the significantly more heinous, big-budget, crapfest, filled with known actors turning in passable performances in the midst of decent (but not impressive) special effects all while wading through stories that aren't awful with writing that isn't terrific.

Literally everything about this movie is generic and "off the shelf." It brings nothing new to the horror genre. What a waste of time and money. And John Hurt. Who casts John Hurt to play a virtually speechless invalid? Yeah - her name is Ronna Kress and I'm sure she's a very nice person. 

When the movie ended, we zipped out of the theatre, looked at one another and went, "Fuuuuuuck. That movie was awful."

If you're not going to be awesome, just own being shitty. Being mediocre is immensely offensive.

Since then, its become a continuous joke between the two of us: I've given him a copy of the DVD and an "official" movie poster. Next year? He's getting the soundtrack.

This is what friends are for.

What? You want to watch the trailer? Alright:


Popular posts from this blog

Rebuttal: 17 Disturbing Horror Movies You Will Never Watch Again

When I'm not watching movies, I'm reading about movies. I stumble across all kinds of articles, blog posts, book excerpts, etc. in my quest to absorb as much movie knowledge as possible.

Now, I'm snotty and loud-mouthed and opinionated but I'd never begrudge another human their opinion. Seriously. You're absolutely welcome to have any opinion about any thing you want. However, I must warn you, if I think your opinion is stupid, I'm absolutely going to say so.

I've recently stumbled on an article completely brimming with so many idiotic opinions that I'm actually compelled to craft a response.

Here's the gist of the original article: there are some horror movies out there that are so disturbing, you'll only ever want to watch them once. I've have taken her original list and refuted her claims without pulling her entire article over. You can read the original article here.

Let's start at the beginning, with her opening statement:

"I live, I love, I slay & I am Content."

Let me tell you a little about myself; something real about the home I grew up in. There were lots of people around all the time. I was the only child. And, thankfully, I wasn't treated as such. Much like today, I was just the shortest member of the household.

But what's that really mean? Above and beyond it means that I had many influences growing up. For this entry, my father's influence is the most important.

My father loves arms and armor. He loves history and mythology and the art of warfare. And as any good father would, he shared these passions with me as a kid. I remember him making me wooden swords to play with. We played chess together. And I remember him reading me Greek myths and comic books before bed. He also shared his nerdy love of scifi, fantasy, and horror movies with me.

For all of this, I am grateful. And I am now passionate about the same things.

Spoiler alert: the following statement is not a dick joke. I have a love of swords. And barbarians and slay…

But The Flesh Is Weak: Cronenberg's Body Horrors

Body horror; something that effects each one of us as we are made of squishy, fallible, and finite flesh. Tackled many times in many ways throughout the years, body horror will stick with us until we finally learn to lose these weak, human bodies and begin existing in some other form.

There are many lenses through which to view body horror, lets talk about a few quickly before talking about some specific films in this genre.

Science and Technology
We depend on technology, especially in regards to our flimsy, fleshy bodies. Hip replacements, new hearts, brain surgery, iron lungs, cheek implants, etc. We have limited abilities and a limited lifespan, so we lean on technology to increase both. But what happens when we take that melding of mechanical and organic too far? Horror and scifi have taught us that going too far can lead to frighteningly devastating consequences and monstrous creations. (SpeciesRobocopFrankenstein, etc.)

Much of body horror is related to or revolves arou…