The Loved Ones (2009)

There's too few demented female murderesses in horror. We (of course) all know and love some of the real, historical, mad women like Lizzy Borden and the great Elizabeth Bathory. What about our fictitious vilenesses though?

Mrs. Voorhees - Friday The 13th

In one of those fun, movie twists, turns out the REAL killer in Friday the 13th is Jason's mother, Mrs. Voorhees. She's apparently a tough old broad who can stab a man through a mattress, is skilled in archery, and can wield an ax like a lumberjack. A murderous lumberjack, anyway. She butchers a lively bunch of teenagers before finally being beheaded by one.

Angela - Sleepaway Camp

Horror, in real life AND in fiction, teaches us to watch the fuck out for the quiet ones. Oh. That girl over there is shy and awkward and doesn't talk much? We shouldn't piss her off. Unfortunately for the typically awful teens in Sleepaway Camp they do piss off the quiet girl who goes on a murder spree. Again in twist fashion, this one may not count as she turns out to be a boy. I'd try to explain that one to you, but you'll really just have to watch the movie.

Asami - Audition

J-horror fans will tell you this little minx is one to look out for. She's no spirt, no wraith, nothing in the supernatural family. She is a cold-blooded, obsessive, torture machine. Needles in the eye? Yup. Amputation with piano wire? Oh yes. And why? Because the man she loves ALSO has love for his son, and she can't stand to share.

Baby - House of 1000 Corpses / The Devil's Rejects

Easily my favorite of the list so far, Baby is this whirlwind of whitetrash, redneck, rockstar who just gets all frisky when she thinks about murder. I tend to think of her as inspired by Mallory from Natural Born Killers. Both broads are down and dirty killers who you don't want to fuck with - even while you're kind of thinking you'd just like to fuck...

Now, this certainly isn't a complete list AND it absolutely ignores female killers of the supernatural variety (think here Ginger Snaps or Jennifer's Body or Lair of the White Worm) and where does it leave us? With Lola in The Loved Ones.

The $.25 version of the plot

Socially awkward teenage girl has a disconcertingly close relationship with her father. Before you run off thinking he's a dirty old man, let me assure you that our leading lady is the sick one. In searching for a more suitably aged companion, she methodically kidnaps and tortures the boys in her class. Lucky for them, her father has mastered Bundy's art of zombification (drill a hole in the head, pour in the boiling water, and out comes a drooling, placid doll) and taking a page out of The People Under The Stairs playbook, she keeps the zombified boys in a pit in her basement.

One such victim doesn't become quite so malleable and fights his way to freedom in a slew of the most unbelievable plot twists ever conceived. Somewhere along the way between creating the elevator pitch for this movie and actually fleshing out the details, the writing just fell down a flight of stairs and tried to go on all concussed and whatnot. So to say, the plot sort of jumps the shark and becomes asinine.

I am sort of a fan of the actress portraying our villainess. She went on, after this movie, to star in Hell on Wheels as the whore with the tattooed face who wouldn't take any shit from anyone.

Not a great movie overall but, I will count Lola alongside the other killer women of horror. Props to you, Lola.

Check out the Loved Ones trailer here:

The Witch (2015)

You know the drill - there's ALWAYS spoilers. Don't want the movie ruined for you, come back after you've seen it. Also - I'm still without an editor - typos and bad grammar await you! I keep hoping that the cultural obsession with zombies will end; literally every other damn movie that comes 'round seems to feature some sort of shambling, undead being bent on devouring the weak flesh of regular humans. Once upon a time, zombies have have been used as a metaphor for the blind consumerism created by our capitalist society, or the perceived depletion of resources by immigrants, or even the ravages of time and disease on our frail bodies. Now it seems that the deeper social commentary has been lost as audiences mindlessly consume "zombie fiction" in an attempt to keep up with trends. ( How very meta - a film buddy of mine commented on this assessment! ) All of this is just a sideways rant, leading up to my actual point: it seems that zombie may actually...

Mother!

Alright friends and readers–this one is probably doubly filled with typos and grammar errors because I wrote it while angry. Good luck and happy reading. There are unpopular opinions in every realm. As a film student, you can truly strike a nerve when you say things like, "I fucking hate the self-indulgence of independent films and the way people idolize them." Or, you know, "Low lighting and slow pacing does not a good movie make." Or whatever. You can of course, objectively, understand how this happens. When you are creating art–when you are outside the system so to speak–you are free to explore things (subjects, techniques, etc.) that may need to be addressed and that freedom can become intoxicating and go to one's head. While it may seem only right or only fair to respect and accept each creative endeavor that every artist undertakes, it is unreasonable to believe that the world will remain forever patient with the self-obsession artists have. Th...

The Ones Below (2015)

Standard disclosure: there's ALWAYS spoilers. Don't want the movie ruined for you? Come back after you've seen it. And - I'm still without an editor - typos and bad grammar await you! Enjoy! When I was like 12 years old, my young (impressionable) friends and I watched The Hand That Rocks the Cradle ; Rebecca De Mornay is so gloriously evil in that movie that we ended up watching it all the damn time — much to the chagrin of my mother, I assume, who got real tired (real fast) of having to see this movie about a million damn times. What can I say? She was kind of a saint that way. Looking back, unsurprisingly, it's pretty easy to see that The Hand That Rocks the Cradle isn't really a terrific movie — although it's still pretty solid for a 90's thriller. Certainly it boasted some fairly well-known cast ( Ernie Hudson and Julianne Moore — whom my regular readers know that I absolutely hate, in particular.) but, the plot is actually pretty convolut...

i'm kael's ghost

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