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Killer Mermaid

If you were to divide fiction down traditional lines, I would fall to the sci-fi side 90% of the time; I’m not really a fantasy fan. When I do dabble in fantasy, I appreciate interesting creatures and non-traditional treatments of character types with backstories we think we already know. To that end, I’ll write now (with a straight face) that there aren’t enough killer mermaid stories out there anymore; Somehow, over the years, they have been reimagined as these Disney princesses of the sea instead of the malicious predators previous generations saw them as. I will say this: aside from featuring a “fantasy creature,” there wasn’t a lot about this one to make it a “fantasy movie” - thankfully.

It actually reminded me of watching a European horror flick from the 60’s - completely loaded with some of the most unbelievably lovely women you can imagine. I’m pretty sure they just build women better in European countries. I mean, even the mermaid with her slimy tail and creepy fish mouth full of sharp teeth is significantly hotter than your average woman.

And - can I just tell you - movies like this make me so very aware of the fact that I know nothing about other cultures. Apparently, Serbians are pretty freakin hot and have some significant money to party - the cast looked like they rolled right out of the Hamptons. Aesthetically it is the absolute embodiment of “young and hip” (and in a way that is almost natural). Unbelievable. Aren’t they like, war-torn and third-worldy over there? No?… But - regardless - I’m digressing here.

The story unfolds a little like this:
Two slutty girl pals jaunt overseas to visit one of their ex-boyfriends from college. Plans for spring break style hookups go out the window when he introduces his exotic (if not bitchy) fiancee. Drinking leads to puking and sloppy hookups. But whatever, right? Our little party decides to explore an abandoned prison island - which can only end well, says every other movie, ever. For unexplained reasons, the island is home to an angry mermaid who likes to eat mortal men - because who doesn’t like to eat mortal men? The mermaid kills, the mermaid is killed, and her “sisters” seek revenge. End movie - begin opportunity for a sequel?


On top of all that, the CGI is fucking terrible and while the plot isn’t ludicrously bad - it's just sort of bland and dumb. Trying to add Captain Ahab was really a stretch though… I was also trying to decide if it was really “an abandoned prison” or “the set of The Ruins.” …are there killer aquatic women waiting there OR killer plants? Ha.

What I can say in closing is that it’s certainly not the worst movie I’ve subjected myself to this week. Watch it if you’re looking for some hot Serbian ladies or if you’ve got a serious boner for fish women.

You can check out the Killer Mermaid trailer here:


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